So before I continue the story I do have to thank my Father in Heaven. Today in Relief Society the lesson was given on a talk by President Monson from the April General Conference. It was all about having Joy in our lives and what it trully means to have that Joy. A thought that kept coming into my mind was how gracious Heavenly Father is. Although we never really want to experience these horrible trials in our lives it does give us to opportunity to know and understand the feeling of JOY! As hard as all of this was with Deyton, he has brought more joy into my life than I could have ever expected, and I will always have my baby boy!
So after giving birth I was honeslty just so grateful to have him here. He looked just like his daddy so of course I thought he was so handsome. Derek was so cute with him and the proudest Dad around. He even threw his shirt off to do skin to skin with him. All of the nurses were so impressed and all I could do was smile!
We had told our family that as soon as he was born they could see him and then we wanted an hour of time alone with him. So as our family all said their goodbyes Derek got in bed with me and we all did skin-to-skin. It was such a beautiful moment and although the nurses were running around cleaning everything up. I really don't even remember that.
We got a knock at the door and it was Dr. Marsden. We had never met him before, but knew from everyone that he was the best. He came in and seemed just as excited as us almost like he had just had a new baby! He came right over to us and asked if he could see him, I handed him to Dr. M and he looked him over for a minute. He then preceeded to tell us that Deyton had a heart murmur and that it was pretty normal for new babies to be born with one. He told us to just watch around his mouth to make sure it didn't go blue and that they would check again in the morning. Other than that he was healthy as could be!
As soon as we had been there for about an hour we got ready to be transported up to our new room! Derek's Dad and Brenda were on their way to see us and as we were walking down the hall to the elevator we saw Brenda sitting in some chairs waiting for for. I remember waving hello and just so proud to show off our handsome little boy! As we got to our room we visited with Jerry and Brenda and then my boss Tammy came. She was so super excited the whole time I was pregnant just waiting for me to have Deyton so that she could hold him! After they left Adam and Cassidy Legg came and visited us. I remeber thinking about how we had come to see them when Kendall was born. It was so fun to be switching roles and showing off our baby. Of course everyone that came would always say without even thinking about it how much he looked like his daddy! I was just so proud to always hear that!
At about 10:30pm my mom and dad came over to see Deyton. My mom said that for some reason she just felt like she needed to come. She kept telling herself not to and that we wanted to be alone, but I am so glad they did. Everyone left and it was just Derek and I. It was kind of weird all of a sudden there wasn't just two there was three. By this time I was so tired and so we decided to try and sleep but of course I was a wreck from what Dr. M had said about his mouth turning blue so I just kept poking my head up to see if he was okay and breathing. Derek just kept telling me that I was okay and there was no reason to worry. I finally said to him that I thought we should send him into the nursery so that we could get some sleep. Derek didn't want to, but of course I just kept telling him that I thought it would be best if we both slept well. So I called the nurse and she came and got him.
We slept for a couple of hours and then right after I woke up the nurse was strolling Deyton in to eat. I remember asking her how he had done while he was in there and she said he was good and that his oxygen had dropped one time during those two hours but that he was okay.
This was my time to just hang out with my little guy. It is crazy because I always heard these stories of these women and how they would always talk about this love that they have instantly had for their kids. Don't get me wrong I loved Deyton from the moment I saw him, but it wasn't until that night when I was feeding him and we were just having our time together that I fell completely in love with this little boy. His baby soft skin, his curved nose just like his dad, his blue eyes, his perfectly shaped lips, his curved toes, and his big hands! He was absoultely perfect!!!! I will never forget those couple of hours where I just stared at him thinking of how each and every second my love for him just kept growing and growing. As soon as he had finished eating and had fallen asleep I called the nurse to take him back into the nursery so I could sleep for a couple of more hours.
(This is the moment where I get to talk about things I regret and my biggest regret of all was not keeping Deyton in my room and holding him all night. If only I had known I would have never let him down. It eats at me to know that I could have spent that much longer with him.) I do know that all in all it was probably really important that I did because Heavenly Father knew what kind of road was ahead of me and that I would need my rest.
Morning came and it had only been about two hours since Deyton had last left. I woke up and just sat there, my heart was so empty for my baby so I called the nurses station and asked them to bring Deyton back. As soon as he got back we just took turns holding him and then Derek called his mom and told her she could come over as soon as she wanted. So a couple of hours later his Mom, Kris, and Heidi all came over.
That morning was perfect it was everything you imagined before having a baby. We had just survived his first night and we had people who loved us there to show him off too! Little did we know what was about to happen would change our lives forever in the most terryifing way, but yet so beautiful.
Many people ask us if we knew about his condition before he was born? When I was pregnant and had been to my ultrasounds they never got a good look at the left side of his heart and recommended that we see a specialist, but Derek and I felt like everything would be okay. So we never did, but if we would have all that I described above would have never happened. I would have had to delivered at Primary Children's and they would have rushed him away from us. I would never trade that first night for anything. I am glad we didn't know because we had a first night of no worries. It was everything you expect it to be and more.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
I want to hold you in my arms. . .
I want to kiss your baby soft head. . .
I want to change your diaper. . .
I want to watch your oxygen level. . .
I want to sleep with you. . .
I want to watch your daddy hold you while you both sleep. . .
I want to drive with you. . .
I want everyone to meet you. . .
I want to take you to church and show you off. . .
I want everyone to know you. . .
I want to give you a bath. . .
I want to put lotion on you and smell you. . .
I want to put you in your crib at night. . .
I want our office to be replaced again by your stuff. . .
I don't want to think about the reality of you gone. . .
I don't want to look at pictures instead of you. . .
I don't want to be strong anymore. . .
I don't want to hold your blanket at night. . . I want it to be you. . .
I want to know what you would look like at two and a half months. . .
I want to hear your cry again. . .
I want to know what your personality would be like. . .
I want to be with you even if for one more day. . .
Posted by ... at 11:50 AM